Trust The One Thing That Can Change Everything

 Many of us have probably considered, in one way or another, what we value most in a relationship. We might not say it explicitly, but we have thought about it.

Recently, I asked some people to express it. What is the number one value you want in your relationships? The most-reported value people said they wanted is trust. I am not surprised, but that has me more curious than ever about the subject.

Risking to trust, in return for the adventure of being in love, opens the heart to growing and expanding; but the loss or lack of trust can close it too. Romantic love is an act of faith, and trust is required. When a connection is new, there is not much to go on except your feelings and feelings are not exceptionally reliable.

There are many conceptual views of trust, what it is, and what it is not, but here is the real deal:

The word comes from the HEBREW, Batch, which means to be carefree, free of concern.

The Webster definition: Confident; a reliance or resting of the mind on the integrity, openness, justice, friendship, or other sound principles of another person.

The Pathway to Trust

Many couples I talk to will tell me how they need to rebuild or restore trust in their relationships. It all sounds very reasonable until you follow the thought process all the way through only to find you cannot do it; you cannot restore trust in and of itself. Maybe trust then, is the endgame, the response - the outcome.

So then, what is the pathway to trust? Remembering that trust is what we value most, we might consider putting our attention on trustworthiness. Isn't that what is measurable and definable?

To be trustworthy is merely being worthy of trust, and this is where the plot thickens. There needs to be a basis for giving our trust, and our partners need a basis for giving theirs. That basis consists of actions and attitudes that express I'm trustworthy. And we all do not see that basis the same way. In fact, everyone is trustworthy; one only needs to watch the actions of another to determine in what ways they can be trusted or not.

After interviewing a dozen or so individuals and couples, we all agree on three elements regarding trustworthiness in a mate, and they are:

Capability

Honesty

Reliability

If we develop our trustworthiness in the eyes of our partners, then that is the basis for winning trust. There needs to be evidence that says we are trustworthy.

Most everyone will bend the truth when our perceived survival or reputation is at stake. If deception can save us - we will likely fib. Pamela Meyer, Fraud Investigator and author of Lie Spotting, says, "We all lie; we are all liars. Sometimes we will spin a white lie to spare someone else's feelings. There are many reasons we do it, but we all do it". OUCH! And get this, we are also willing to be lied to if we get what we want - lies can connect us to our fantasies.

Tips From a Psychologist For Everyone Who Loves

 You should clearly understand how your man looks at the world: what he thinks about the relationship, what he wants from life, what are his plans, and how he intends to implement them. Ladies who are inclined to operate with their illusions instead of accurate information spend years waiting for changes for the better and turn out to be unprepared for many disappointments.

"When we get carried away, we tend to deceive ourselves not only about the shortcomings of the partner we choose. Often we do not want to admit the fact that his ideas about life are very different from ours. Look at the number of women who are in the position of mistresses in the hope that the man will divorce. Or those who are trying to persuade their lover to have a child, while he clearly makes it clear that this is not part of his concept of a comfortable personal life."

Respect your partner

Learn to hear your partner, trust him. There is no complete coincidence, people are different, and no one is immune to mistakes. Know how to forgive, and don't be afraid to ask for forgiveness, to be grateful, and to show condescension yourself. Respect for oneself and the authority of one's opinion is most easily achieved by someone who knows how to see life in different ways and take into account positions that are not similar to his own.

Psychologist's comment

"Sadly, few people know how to communicate competently in a family. There are two extremes: a woman is trying to reach out to a man who has a rejection reaction to this, or partners exist as if in parallel, having only every day and erotic points of contact. Learning to listen and hear is not so easy, but the result is worth it."

Find a common goal

A couple, even the most in love and overwhelmed by passion, needs a common task - something that unites your family and draws the future. Divorce in times of crisis is largely due to the fact that the spouses' goals change, and they never come to a common denominator. Having a second child, starting a joint business, or moving from a noisy metropolis to the countryside - it is important that both of you are interested in this.

Psychologist's comment

"You can overcome difficult times in relationships, firstly, by being confident that you want to continue walking hand in hand with this person, and secondly, by giving him and yourself a certain amount of freedom and time for internal reassessment. There are many examples when a separated spouse starts life together again. A person needs to reflect, shake himself up, and this is completely normal. The main thing is to stay calm."

Make love as often as possible

The basic instinct is the reason why you chose each other. Not paying attention to sex and erotic attraction for a partner is one of the most stupid and unpleasant mistakes made in love. You can hover in the clouds, read Proust aloud to each other, but dissatisfaction in bed will make you both unhappy, pulling the strap of duty and responsibility.

Psychologist's comment

"Cheating is only one of the consequences of losing sexual interest in each other. Worse is the loss of trust, self-confidence. If a couple breaks up, for this reason, it is often difficult for partners to arrange their further personal life without the help of a specialist. Sex is a very important part of a relationship. No material resources, children, and common interests can compensate for his absence."

Don't be rude

Take care of yourself. Do not shift the responsibility for your well-being and mood to your beloved. You can ask for help and count on it, but a loved one should not be a victim of your aggression. On the other hand, don't let negative emotions spill out in your direction. Don't try to endure what you don't like.

Psychologist's comment

"Fights are not so bad. Heightened emotions make us open up to our partner. If a person avoids openly expressing indignation and irritation, this may indicate a fear of closeness. Although, of course, everything should be in moderation. To smooth over the situation, to make peace, to shift attention - a showdown should not be exhausting."