Trust The One Thing That Can Change Everything

 Many of us have probably considered, in one way or another, what we value most in a relationship. We might not say it explicitly, but we have thought about it.

Recently, I asked some people to express it. What is the number one value you want in your relationships? The most-reported value people said they wanted is trust. I am not surprised, but that has me more curious than ever about the subject.

Risking to trust, in return for the adventure of being in love, opens the heart to growing and expanding; but the loss or lack of trust can close it too. Romantic love is an act of faith, and trust is required. When a connection is new, there is not much to go on except your feelings and feelings are not exceptionally reliable.

There are many conceptual views of trust, what it is, and what it is not, but here is the real deal:

The word comes from the HEBREW, Batch, which means to be carefree, free of concern.

The Webster definition: Confident; a reliance or resting of the mind on the integrity, openness, justice, friendship, or other sound principles of another person.

The Pathway to Trust

Many couples I talk to will tell me how they need to rebuild or restore trust in their relationships. It all sounds very reasonable until you follow the thought process all the way through only to find you cannot do it; you cannot restore trust in and of itself. Maybe trust then, is the endgame, the response - the outcome.

So then, what is the pathway to trust? Remembering that trust is what we value most, we might consider putting our attention on trustworthiness. Isn't that what is measurable and definable?

To be trustworthy is merely being worthy of trust, and this is where the plot thickens. There needs to be a basis for giving our trust, and our partners need a basis for giving theirs. That basis consists of actions and attitudes that express I'm trustworthy. And we all do not see that basis the same way. In fact, everyone is trustworthy; one only needs to watch the actions of another to determine in what ways they can be trusted or not.

After interviewing a dozen or so individuals and couples, we all agree on three elements regarding trustworthiness in a mate, and they are:

Capability

Honesty

Reliability

If we develop our trustworthiness in the eyes of our partners, then that is the basis for winning trust. There needs to be evidence that says we are trustworthy.

Most everyone will bend the truth when our perceived survival or reputation is at stake. If deception can save us - we will likely fib. Pamela Meyer, Fraud Investigator and author of Lie Spotting, says, "We all lie; we are all liars. Sometimes we will spin a white lie to spare someone else's feelings. There are many reasons we do it, but we all do it". OUCH! And get this, we are also willing to be lied to if we get what we want - lies can connect us to our fantasies.